Deep Inside

Deep Inside

by T'Len (2001)
tlen2@freenet.de



2001 ASC Award: The newsgroup would like to recommend: DS9 Garak/Bashir Story

Series. DS9
Pairing: B, G, B/G very small implied
Code: PG-13
Feedback: tlen2@freenet.de
Challenge: Transsexuality challenge
Summary: Julian Bashirs hidden secret.

Disclaimer: Paraborg/Viacom owns the whole Star Trek universe. I only borrowed a little part of it for some fun. No moneymaking, no offence of copyrights are intended. The story is mine and it is just fanfiction.

If you are under age, please stay away. If you have a problem with m/m-sex and relationships, then look elsewhere for your entertainment. English is not my native language, so please be patient with my mistakes. T'Lin did a really great job to correct my errors, not to mention all the suggestions she gave. My greatest gratitude to her. For all remaining errors, blame me.

/*/*/ = Changes in time


Thanks Good, the door of my cabin has closed behind me. I'm safe now. Safe from the world outside, safe from Garak, but not safe from myself. My heart is still beating wildly from my desperate run, but even more from the previous situation, which let me flee like a wounded animal.

/*/*/

The fabric of the black cocktail dress feels soft and cold beneath my fingers. I stroke leisurely over the garment and wonder how it would feel on my skin. I take it from its hanger; appreciate its elegant cut until a voice from behind startles me.

"You would look beautiful in it." It's Garak. I turn around and force a smile *to my face, although something in his voice makes my nearly freeze. "Very funny, Garak."

"This wasn't a joke, Julian. As I made it, I thought of you." I want to laugh but I can't. "I would like to help you to put it on and even more, to take it off again later."

My heart leaps. This can't be real, can it? He's only joking, isn't he? I feel like a caught animal and the only thing I can think of is escaping his tailor-shop in no time. "I've got to go" I murmur and turn around.

"You should not deny the truth before you, Julian. Denying does not make it non-existent."

I start to run.

/*/*/

My breath is still irregular. I try to catch it - without much success. How much does he know? How the hell could he know?

But Garak is not what confuses me, really, it's more myself. My feelings. My wishes. My urges. This dress has called for me like the Lorelei in the old Earth legend has called for the fishermen. I wanted to wear it, to feel its texture on my skin...

Stop it, Julian! I have to stop it now. Why, by God, do these feelings surface again? Why can't they let me alone? I do not want them. I do not need them. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man!

But the repeating of this fact does not change anything, does not stop the urges deep inside. Garak is right, denying the truth does not make it non-existent but it was the only way for me to survive over the years. There is something nobody knows about me - not even now, after the genetic-enhancement is known.

As my parents let my genes be enhanced, they also changed my gender. My father wished to have a son, my mother couldn't become pregnant again, and so it was done. But they couldn't change my psyche completely. Deep inside, I'm still a woman. I always was - although my parents did everything to suppress it - and I did too, for the sake of my own mind. But sometimes it's too much, too much...

I imagine myself with long, curly hair, rounded breast and slender legs. My body is crying for all these feminize attributes - and I have to fight against it, for now and ever.

For modern medicine it's relatively easily to switch gender, but with my already changed genes, it is impossible. Even if I would dress like a woman I still would be a men. I'm trapped in the wrong body for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think ending this life would be the only solution.

-end-

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