Archive: Trekiverse, TSU, BOBW, WWOMB, BLTS, Heart Attack, Marianne, GSSU, others just ask
Summary: A dialogue reveals the truth.
Setting: After Amok Time.
For my other stories and stories by Lady Charena see: http://tostwins.slashcity.net
Disclaimer: Paraborg/Viacom owns the whole Star Trek universe. I only borrowed a little part of it for some fun. No moneymaking, no offence of copyrights are intended. The story is mine and it is just fanfiction.
If you are under age, please stay away. If you have a problem with m/m- and relationships, then look elsewhere for your entertainment. English is not my native language, so please be patient with my mistakes. Thanks to Lady Charena and T'Lin for the beta. For all remaining errors, blame me.
"It's not logical to run away from the truth, Spock." I fix you with my gaze but the mask you call your face remains completely solemn. Of course, I did not expect it to be otherwise.
"I assure you, doctor, I do not run away from anything." Your voice, too, is unmoved as usual. But now I know it's all a fake. I just wish it hadn't taken such a drastic situation to reveal that you have feelings.
"Don't sell me for dumb, Spock. I know what's going on and you know it, too. And if you're closing your eyes to it, you are a." I stop. I don't want to drive you away with thoughtless words. But the whole situation is really straining. I really don't wish to go through this all again. Just the mere thought triggers nightmares and headaches. A Solution could be so easily reached if you just would let me.
"I have talked to healer Skorn." The gods alone know what it took to get T'Pau to agree to initiate contact with the healer who has served your family for over a century. Getting him to loosen his tongue on the subject was nearly as difficult. It would have been easier to have a conversation with a tribble.
"The odds that your pon farr will soon begin again are high. You're not saved at all, Spock." Skorn had made this clear to me. There is a fair chance that your pon farr is only postponed for a while but not broken. And your mixed heritage is another unstable factor. No, I just had to make you open your eyes and to take care of the problem - the sooner the better.
"This is no matter of your concern, Doctor."
It concerns me more than you'll ever know, Spock. And I don't mean my medical responsibility toward your health or the safety of the crew and especially the captain. I just mean - forget it Leonard, you shouldn't even think of that.
"Of course it is. I'm responsible for the health of the crew. And I assure you, I have no desire to go through all this trouble again."
Jim nearly killed by you - no thanks. And who really can know what could happen next - far away from Vulcan and unbonded?
"I'm your friend, Spock, not your enemy." And I wish I could be more then that. I shove the thought quickly away before it can hurt too much. After over a year of fruitless dreaming and illogical hoping I really should be able to stop such thoughts. But the previously events have strained me. If I had been in her shoes I would never have..
"What do you want from me, Doctor?"
I somehow wonder why you're still bothering to talk to me. I half expected you to leave my office the moment I started on this delicate subject. After all, I've heard your tirade about "my private life is my own concern" enough. Anyway, I suppose I shouldn't question my luck and take advantage of it as long as I can.
"You can't behave as if this will never happen again. Jim does not need you on Altair. We are not that far away from Vulcan yet. You can still take a shuttle and go back. Take your time and sort out your private life. Your family can surely arrange something new for you."
In other words - seek a substitute for T'Pring. Damn, just the mere thought hurts like hell. To imagine you in the arms of such a female iceberg.
"I have no intention of doing so, Doctor."
Damn, I shouldn't feel relieved hearing this. You are gambling with your life, Spock. And the last thing I would ever want is for you to risk your health and sanity, not to mention your life, of course.
"Spock, under normal circumstances I would agree with you. It's not nice to be at the mercy of others, but it's better then to die. Don't you think so? Risking your life is not logical and as much as I'd like to, I can't change your biology. Nobody can, obviously. You just need a women whether you like or not."
Whether I like it or not.
"I do not desire an union with a women, Doctor."
Something in the way you say "a woman" triggers my alarm clock. Why didn't you say "another woman"? You don't make mistakes like this unintentionally. "Do you mean you'd prefer a male as mate?"
For a moment I feel hope. No its' illogical. Damn, why do I "sound" like you?
"This is also not your concern, but yes, I would. Another man as my mate had always been my wish. Unfortunately the bond to T'Pring was initiated before this preference was detected. So I had to suppress it. But she must have known it nevertheless and I suppose this was the real reason which lead to her rejection."
A man! You prefer men. I never would have dreamed! My heart is pounding wildly, but I must remind myself that this changes noting between us.
"Then go home and seek a suitable male mate for yourself." I'm desperately trying to sound normal.
"This would be of no use, Doctor." Am I wrong or was there just barely a hint of sadness in your eyes. Only a brief moment, but.
"Does this mean you are the only Vulcan with homosexual preferences?"
It may not be logical and procreative but even Vulcans cannot deny their true nature - at least I hope so. It just has to be natural that there are others. Otherwise we really would have a problem.
"I am surely not, Doctor. The gender does not matter in a Vulcan relationship. We seek merely the perfect mate for our minds. And I will not find him on Vulcan."
Not on Vulcan? Why are you so sure? This can only mean you have already made a choice. That there is someone special you have in mind. I feel my heart leap. I don't wish to intrude in your privacy but I have to know and so I ask: "You have already chosen?"
A long moment of silence. Then a whispered "Yes." And again this brief moment of sadness in your wonderful dark eyes.
If there was a mouse hole nearby, I'd instantly sink into it. I never felt so much self-pity as I do now. Whoever this guy is, he sure is a lucky man. And I'm jealous as hell. What can I say, I'm selfish; I know I should be happy for you. You're safe - that's all that matters. But it's easier said than done, when I realise that I - finally - have to bury my hopes. Not that there ever had been much chances.
Somehow I regain my composure. "That's great, Spock. Then everything is fine."
I don't know how I find the strength to sound so normal. I just feel like crying. Why him, why not me? Damn!
You shook your head. "No"
"Why not?" It's not fine for me - to be honest, I just feel as if someone tore my heart away - but it should be everything okay for you. We just have to make sure that this guy is around when you need him. In this matter I hope it's someone aboard. Gosh, only the thought of seeing you together with someone else makes me furious.
"He does not know of my wish to bond with him. And even if he would know, he would not agree."
I can't believe that I just heard this. Who the hell is this guy? How can someone be so stupid not to want you? I can't understand him. This guy should be happy and.
If I were not already sitting, I would have dropped to the floor as realisation hits me. Obviously, I'm a little late in putting one and one together these days.
Jim! Of course it has to be him. He's the only one you let near you; the only one you have called your friend. But boy, were you barking up the wrong street. Jim is a 'ladies-man' through and through. He'd surely do anything to save your life, but I think this would be a bit to much, even for him. Why couldn't you just mean me - I would happily...
"It's, Jim, isn't it?" I asked and I fear you will hear that my voice is shaking now with desperation. I will make Jim help you, if it's the last thing I ever do in life. I'm not going to let you die just because this idiot may fear for his reputation - or his ass.
But you shook your head again. "No, doctor. Jim is my friend but I do not desire him as mate. And I know well that he, too, would never have any interest in such an relationship."
"Who is it then?" I would haul this guy to you, personally even if my heart were bleeding like hell. But nobody can refuse you and let you die a horrible death as long as I can prevent it. I'll just make it a medical order if I have to. Anything that you need.
Time seems to stand still as you gaze in my eyes. I feel as if you might look right through them into my very soul. I can't move or say anything. Suddenly you speak, only one word and so quiet that I hardly can hear it. "You."
I don't believe my ears. I can't. I'm dreaming. You can't have said this. Not after all my desperate longing which seemed so fruitless.
"Me?" I'm not able to say more. Gosh, how long have I dreamed of hearing you say this? And now I'm just speechless. My world is spinning around. Is this reality? Am I dreaming? I don't know for sure.
You rose to your feet. "I am sorry. Leonard." Your voice is softer than I ever heard it before. "I did not wish to confuse you. Be assured that I never would approach you in an unmannerly way. You are correct - going back to Vulcan is the only logical way for me. The priests at Gol will help me to erase all unwanted feelings. I will make all necessary arrangements as soon as possible. Good bye, Leonard."
You turn around and walk to the door. I know I have to do something, to say something. If I let you go now there'll be no second change. You will have to leave the ship - and me. There are so many things I want to say - that I fell in love with you from the first moment I saw you; that my marriage with Jocelyn, which surely lead you to the conclusion that I'm not interested in men, was only a lie for myself, because I was not able to live with the truth then, that I would bond happily with you right at this moment - but still I do not find the right words, any word.
I'm desperate now, but "Spock" is the only word I can manage to say. It's merely a soft plea that I already fear you will not be able to hear. But thankfully you have sharp ears.
Hesitantly you stop and turn around again. The only thing I can do is to stretch out my hand to you - in a desperate gesture. I hope you understand.
Your dark eyes connect with mine again and slowly, so slowly, you are coming back to take my hand..