Afterthoughts: Spock

by T'Len

Series. TOS
Pairing: K/S
Code: PG-13
Archive: sure
Feedback: Yessssssssss!
Summary: Spock and Kirk have to deal with the outcomes of Spock's crime
Note: This is the sequel, which I never had intended to write, to "What we do for love".

Disclaimer: Paraborg/Viacom owns the whole Star Trek universe. I only borrowed a little part of it for some fun. No moneymaking, no offence of copyrights is intended. The story is mine and it is just fanfiction.

If you are under age, please stay away. If you have a problem with m/m-relationship, then look elsewhere for your entertainment. English is not my native language, so please be patient with my mistakes. T'Boy did a really great job to correct my errors. My greatest gratitude to her. For all remaining errors, blame me.

Afterthoughts: Spock

Finally I am home again. Or more accurately, I should say, I am at the place where I was born. I never called this house home. The only true home I ever knew was the Enterprise, but that was long ago. This house is now only a place which will provide me with shelter and food, for as long as I need it. And that will not be for long

I am alone. Perrin, my father's third wife, moved to Earth after Sarek died. The servants, who kept all in good order, are dismissed now. I wish not to be seen by anyone. Not in my condition. And not with the shame I still feel.

Soon I will die alone. I can already feel the claws of Pon Farr gripping for me. It will not take long and my control will shatter. In former times I always sought the help of professionals to quench the need of my body. But my mind always remained unsatisfied.

Now there will be nobody to help me. The only one my mind and body yearn for is not here and he will not be here. I cannot allow him to be here either, even when everything in me is longing for him. Soon I will welcome death as redemption. Life has nothing more to offer me.

Without Jim there is nothing left that makes it worthwhile to hold on. I cannot live without him but I also cannot live with him. After I have almost broken our bond over the last five years there is only loneliness left for me. In some ways I am glad that it will soon be over.

I did not wish it but I had to try to set him free. It was the only logical choice. I could not allow that he suffered for my failures.

The trial I got was very just. The judges considered all the times Jim and I saved worlds, and civilizations, over our long career. And Jim tried hard to convince them that I was not responsible for the events with the Nexus. But nevertheless I had traded the Federation, I had broken Federation law and I had nearly killed millions of innocent people. I was guilty in the eyes of the law and - more than this - in my own eyes.

The punishment I got was a kind one. I was sent to a rehabilitation colony for ten years. There I could work as a scientist and be at least of some use to society again. It was a much better treatment than I believed I deserved for my crime.

Jim wanted to go with me. He said as my bond mate his place had to be at my side. I could not allow this to happen. He must not suffer from all the guilt and shame I put on me. And I could not allow him to throw aside his just new found life for me.

Fortunately, the laws granted me the option of leaving for the colony without telling Jim the time of departure. Of course he figured out where I was easily. But I refused to get involved in any personal contact with him. Finally he gave up and left. I am sure this was hard for him - as it was for me - but it would have been even harder if he had been forced to stay with me there.

He deserves a better life than this and a better mate than I. Besides I surely do not deserve such an honest man as Jim as my bond mate. I never can forgive myself for what I have done and what I was willing to do for very selfish reasons. Love cannot be a justification for those actions. I lost the right of the love I yearned for over decades with the actions I took to get this love.

In the colony I sought the help of a Vulcan healer to lessen my bond with Jim. Our bond was strong but thankfully for the fact that it was not formed during Pon Farr it was not completed. We lessened it slowly so that Jim would not suffer from any pain. It is still not completely broken but it is back to the shallow link we had before our intimate relationship began.

Jim still will be able to feel me but he will now not be drawn to me like he would be with our bond still intact. And he will not have to endure much physical pain over my death.

I would not have minded to die in the colony but they released me for good behavior. The colony's doctor did not say anything but I guess he figured out my condition and wanted to allow me to die at home.

And now here I am, finally awaiting death. I had thought about suicide to delete my life now but the pain of Pon Farr will be my last punishment. I shall await it with pleasure.

Jim will be free again. Live long and prosper my love.