Pairing K, (K/S implied)
Archive: Yes, if I know where. ASCEM and Marianne's page are okay, of course. Others just ask, I can't say no.
Feedback: Yes, please, I would like very much via list or to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom owns the boys. I borrowed them only for some fun. No money-making, no offence of copyrights are intended. The story is mine and it is just fanfiction.
If you are under age, please stay away. If you have a problem with the idea that two boys love each other, then look elsewhere for your entertainment. English is not my native language, so please be patient with my mistakes. Isla did a really great job to correct my errors. My greatest gratitude to her. For all remaining errors, blame me.
Summary: This deals with the events from the Animated Series episode "Mudd's Passion". This is Jim's POV. Others will follow. At least, I hope so.
After the Passion: Jim
I can't believe it. If I hadn't been there, I wouldn't believe it.
But I was there, and I know that it happened. I heard it with my own ears: Spock speaking of love, of his love to Christine.
I always knew that he had emotions, that under all his logic is a deep hidden passion. He couldn't hide this from me. But why must it come out just now? And for her?
I know, I should have transferred her off the ship at the very first moment that she started to "make eyes" at him.
No, don't be ridiculous, James T. You can't blame her for wishing something that you, too, wish. Besides she is a very good nurse. Bones is very proud of her.
But why can't she be drawn to another? We have enough attractive males on board. Why must it be Spock?
And this damn Harry Mudd! I should never have brought him on board. This was his thanks for our saving him from the mob. I should have allowed them to lynch him.
James, calm down. You must control yourself. But it hurts so damn much to hear Spock declaring his feelings for another person.
"I want to protect her, hold her in my arms." O god, I wish Spock had said that about me, not her.
My logical Vulcan friend, if you only could know how much I wish to hold you in my arms, to kiss you, to make love with you. If you only knew how much I love you.
But I will never tell you. I fear you will run away from me in that very moment when I speak my feelings out loud. I can't risk losing you.
You have never shown the slightest sign that you can feel more for me than friendship. And our friendship is too important for me to risk it because of my human emotions.
Oh, I can hear you say, "Your feelings are not logical, Captain. And they will probably interfere with your duty. Perhaps we should eliminate the cause."
And you will leave the ship. No, I can't allow this to happen. I can't face life without you.
Down on the planet as you stumbled, as I tried to protect you from falling, you put your arm around my shoulders and said, "It's good to have a friend like you."
And I answered, "That's the way I feel about you, too, my dear friend." But it wasn't completely true. I feel more, much more, for you.
I was so jealous there. I even ordered you to take your hands off her. Fortunately,you were too much influenced by the crystal to recognize my true feelings .
I wonder if it really was only the influence of the love-crystal Mudd gave her. Could such a little thing bring up love from nothing? Or did it just deepen already present feelings?
I hope not. I'm not sure if I can stand the idea that you really are in love with her. But if that is what you really wish, I will try to be happy for you. Your happiness is all that counts with me. It doesn't matter how much it will hurt me, if you only stay with me as my friend, at my side as you have been for the last four years.
This little crystal looks so innocent and yet has such a big effect. I don't know why I held one back when I threw the others into the mouth of the giant monster.
I know I should give it to Bones. He would be eager to examine one, to find out more about its effect on humanoids. But he would destroy it.
No, I don't want to give it to him. I wish I could use it with Spock.
I wonder what would happen if I did so. Would it have the same effect as it did with Chapel? Will he love me, too. Oh, it would be wonderful.
No, I can't do that . The effect could vanish at any time and he would hate me for pushing him into that situation. I would lose him immediately. I can't risk that.
But what if he discovers through it that he really loves me, too? Perhaps he needs some help to let his emotions out after all these years of hiding them?
What if our feelings are the same. Will there ever be a chance for me, for us? Wouldn't that chance be worth the risk?
I will preserve this crystal. Deep in my safe. There are always possibilities. Perhaps some day ...